December 7, 2016

Welcome to the last Weekly Destresser of 2016! This week, I’d like to share my Top 50 favorite puns that get me through the day. As we approach the end of the semester, hopefully these puns make your day too!

  1. What’s the fastest liquid?       – Milk! Because it’s pasteurized before you see it
  2. I entered 10 puns in a joke contest to see if I could win      – no pun in ten did
  3. What kind of material to ninjas like to wear?     -leather. Because it’s literally made of hide
  4. I ran over a cat yesterday and accidentally chopped off its tail. Don’t worry! I took it to Walmart right away and they fixed it up since they are the largest retailer in the world.
  5. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights can make an awesome airplane!
  6. Who made King Arthur’s round table?      -Circumference
  7. What do you call a cow that’s just given birth?     –Decaffeinated
  8. What do you call a cow with no legs?      -Ground Beef
  9. What do you call a cow with three legs?       -Lean Beef
  10. Where to cows to go for fun?     -the mooOOooovies
  11. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?     -they lactose
  12. Which way did the programmer go?      -he went data way
  13. Which American president was least guilty?     -Lincoln because he is literally innocent
  14. Wanna hear a joke?      -Sleep! Yeah I don’t get it either
  15. What kind of computer sings?      -A dell
  16. Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?     – Because freedom rings
  17. You have mass and you occupy space, so you matter! Until you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared then you energy!
  18. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
  19. I love the way the earth rotates, it really makes my day!
  20. I was going to make a Voldemort joke, but everybody nose it
  21. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, but graphing is where I draw the line!
  22. 7 days without a pun makes one week
  23. Why are scarecrows so famous?      -they’re outstanding in their fields
  24. What do you call a pod of musical whales?      -an orchestra
  25. I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig… It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep
  26. Are Finland’s borders Finish lines?
  27. Adam and Eve, the first people to read the apple terms and conditions
  28. You can’t run through a campground. You can only ran because it’s past tents
  29. What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?         -2 Na
  30. Plateaus are the highest form of flattery
  31. Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas it was all in vein
  32. Cannibal – Someone who is fed up with people
  33. The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense!
  34. I tried to grab fog, but I missed
  35. The invention of the shovel was ground breaking, but the broom was the one that truly sweptthe nation. Of course, the invention of the whiteboard was remarkable!
  36. A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. That line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline!
  37. Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.
  38. Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn’t resistor. 
  39. I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.
  40. They’re finally making a film about clocks. It’s about time.
  41. Shout out to the people that don’t know what the opposite of in is! 
  42. What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?      -That hertz
  43. If you’re cold, stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees!
  44. I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
  45. I wish people would stop asking me where I think I am going to be in 4 years. I don’t have 2020 vision.
  46. Rich Astley will let you borrow any of his Pixar collection DVDs but he will never give you UP
  47. I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
  48. Don’t be mean to nuclear reactors, they might have a meltdown.
  49. What do you call a snobbish criminal going down stairs?         -a condescending con descending
  50. What did one ocean say when it met another?      -nothing, it just waved

Thanks for putting up with my puntastic jokes. Good luck at finals!

-Megan Hedges


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